I’m thinking about leaving my church.
I’m 22 years old. And I work with students at the church that I grew up in.
Now, when I say “grew up in”…I didn’t know Christ until I was a junior in high school, and this was where I met him. When I graduated high school, I didn’t go to college, and since I was staying at home, I decided to give back to the youth ministry that had given so much to me, and started working with 6th graders on Sunday mornings, and helping out with our mid-week youth worship service.
I’ve been doing this since for 3 years and I love it. Students are a fantastic bunch of people to work with, and Youth Workers might be the greatest group of people you’ll ever get to do ministry with. So. I love what I get to do at my church. But I don’t feel fed. I don’t feel the sense of community that my soul longs for. I am struggling and praying through whether or not I should leave this church, and start attending one here in town that I know offers those things. I am hurting over whether or not the students that I know and love at my current church are worth not getting what I feel like I need spiritually.
I know that I can work with students wherever I end up, but I’m talking about going from a 200+ student ministry to a ministry of about 30-40 students. Which honestly has some cons for me, as well as pros. But a big part of it is that I love these kids that I work with now. I’ve invested in them for the past four years. They’ve been a big part of my life, and I hope I’ve made an impact on them.
I’ve wondered if it’s just me. If I need a spiritual attitude adjustment. But the more I think and pray about it, I see that the things that God has put on my heart, are not necessarily what He has put on the hearts of church leadership here. And that’s ok. We don’t have to be going after the same things, because as long as we agree that salvation is through Christ on the cross, and only that. The rest is neither here nor there, honestly.
So am I being selfish? I don’t know. I know that I am not growing spiritually like I have in the past, and I know this is part of the reason why. I don’t know if it’s reason enough to seek out a new community of believers.
Here’s the thing. I want your thoughts. And honestly, I’m sure I’m not the only guy (or girl) out there who is dealing with something like this. So, have you ever had to leave a church or ministry because you were giving a ton, but not getting much out of it for yourself? Is that a valid reason, or that that a line of selfishness to give yourself an out?
Anonymous would love to read your thoughts in the comments section of this post.
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Josh Griffin has been in youth ministry for 15+ years and serves as the High School Pastor at Saddleback Church. [
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Geoff Stewart serves the Jr / Sr High School Pastor at Peace Portal Alliance Church in Surrey B.C.
I think you need to express your thoughts and feelings to your boss. While “I don’t feel fed” is a common feeling, you must realize that mature Christians must learn to feed themselves. But what is it specifically about the church that you are not on board with? Theology? Methodology?
I can empathize with you, because I’ve been there myself. Fortunately, my two year contract was up, and I was off to another calling. But remember, that it’s just that – a calling. Be in the Word. Be in prayer. Seek counsel from other mature Christians, perhaps a mentor if you have one. Remember, we don’t need fleeces anymore to discern God’s will. Don’t leave unless God calls you somewhere else.
Saying a prayer for you…
I’m in the EXACT SAME situation.
During these times, there is only 1 voice to listen to: God’s.
At these crossroads in decision-making, we’ll listen to our parents, friends, or teens we minister with – and that’s all good – but just try to figure out what God is whispering in your ear and do it.
I just went through that eerily similar situation three months ago and someone gave me this advice when seeking God’s Will. 1. Look through scripture to see if it agrees, disagrees, or is neutral on this. If it disagrees you can just stop at this point. 2. Intentionally seek the leading of the Holy Spirit. Take time to listen for an answer. 3. Seek wise counsel from someone you can trust from inside and outside of your situation. Listen to them. 4. Look for God to validate the leading He’s given you through circumstances. If it is His will, doors will open up there and close here.
Having just gone through all that, I can appreciate the dilemma of not wanting to leave those kids. That plays out both ways. Be careful if you leave how you leave because that could scar those kids if done wrong. On the other hand, God does not need you to reach those kids. He loves them more than you and will raise up someone else.
Be encouraged as this whole thiing will push you to have faith in a God who won’t give you all the info you’re asking for, because then you wouldn’t need faith in Him. I’ll be praying for God to lead you clearly. God bless you.
I really appreciate your honesty on the blog! I know you’re probably going to get a lot of advice on this subject, but sadly none of that can help. This is a “you” decision. I work in youth ministry at a smaller church and I sometimes feel the same way. I wouldn’t necessarily pick a larger/smaller church because of whether or not I’ll feel fed. I agree with Ethan about feeding yourself. Get involved in a Bible Study where you aren’t leading (wow–do those exist?
) or make time for exercise and listen to Christian music…it’s amazing how little things like that can really make a difference.
You’re in my prayers also!
I agree with what Travis had to say. As I read your post I was thinking of responding with #2 and what he talked about how God doesnt need you to reach the kids. I am sure you have done amazing things with them. I am sure you have been obedient to what God has been calling you to do. I also know that if you are not being challenged in your faith personally that something needs to change. As so often talked about in christian circles, we are to love God first and then love others. If you are having a hard time growing and being challenged with where you are at then something needs to change.
I want to challenge you on something. Maybe you are still feeling a calling to work with the students and that is great. There are ways around your problem. 1. Maybe you could mentor some of the core kids in the group, whether they are in your small group or are the leaders of the youth group. 2. Try to find a group at the other church that doesnt meet on Sundays or Wednesdays. It sounds like it is a smaller church so that could be tough. If that doesnt work look for a church that would meet you where you are at.
It sounds like you are struggling with finding a place where you can feel community. I know the area where I am at there are a few different house churches. This way the setting is a lot smaller and you are able to meet people and really dive into that sense of community. My prayers are with you in this journey.
Do I think that’s selfish? Kinda.
Sorry to be that guy, but what guarantees you that church leadership somewhere else is going to be perfect? When I hear people say “I don’t get fed” it just throws up red flags. How’s your bible study life? Do you go to a Sunday school class or small group with people your age consistently? Have you tried to start one? Sometimes in order to be fed, you’ve got to pick your own food.
It’s great to pour into your kids, but you’ve got to take care and guard your relationship with God as your highest priority. We’ve all hit patches like this. We all know what you’re going through. God put you in this church for a reason, unless you know 100% that he’s completely changed his plan with you there, trust in his judgement and serve where he’s put you.
Just because there are different things on your heart than what leadership has on theirs, doesn’t necessarily mean you should just jump ship. You said it yourself – the only thing that truly matters is Christ.
My 2 cents.
I don’t necessarily think it’s being selfish. I think sometimes we have a hard time accepting that God does want us to be uncomfortable and has placed this on your heart in order for you to listen to Him. Sometimes it hurts, but you can’t dismiss that maybe God did place this on your heart. I’ve been in a situation where I’m not “getting fed” and sometimes it’s really hard to feed yourself. We need the fellowship of others, especially our own church and church leadership. I would encourage you to talk to your boss, but also evaluate what you are doing to listen to God like Jesse mentioned.
Mostly, I would just say take your time in deciding. Wait upon the Lord to give you a clear direction, whichever way that may be.
dude quit whinning and start serving! Honestly, you’re 22 and a 3 year vet… you know NOTHING. keep on keepin’ on! The pity party will get you no where… just suck it up and realize kids NEED you. GO! SERVE!
Thank you so much for working with youth! As a volunteer myself, thank you! I love working with the kids and often feel that I get more out of it than they probably do. I want to encourage you to stick with your church. If you feel led to speak up, please do. I know that can be hard. But if you want to be a strong leader and example to these youth – you do need to be spritually strong. Maybe that’s studying more by yourself or finding a mentor person for yourself or possibly visiting another program at another church… Do find a way to keep yourself spiritually strong – for the youth!
But if it’s possible, try to stay with them. And you going through struggles may be a good example you can use further down the road.
First, you are hardly alone (as you’ve inferred from the previous comments). Very common feelings, especially among younger Christians.
Second, this is a less a calling and more a choice. What do YOU want to do? I lost my nagging guilt when I realized (way too late) that God didn’t particularly care about the details. But he cares to the death about YOU. So go to church where you want to go to church. Go for the reasons you want. What you want, and where you go will change more than once over time, because you’re changing–and there’s no bad, ignoble, or lesser reason to go to church.
Finally, your students have profited from your ministry. They’ll survive your departure. You may pine for a while, but ministry is no different than any other kind of job (and it’s a job): you will leave groups, individuals will leave your group, and the breakup can be difficult, but everyone gets over it. The trick is to make it a good, healthy breakup.
Wow. I am 24. I could have wrote the majority of this article. It is something I have been struggling with for a long time. A week ago I resigned from the church I have been serving full-time for 4 1/2 years. The Church I grew up in. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I fully relate to everything you are saying. I think the above points are good ones. It is true that part of spiritual maturity is learning to prioritize your personal relationship with God and “feed yourself.” But I don’t think that equates to suffering through this situation at the church. While that is valuable lesson to be learned I am not convinced that is a practical way to live. You lead out of who you are and not what you do. The kids are always “worth it,” but I don’t think you can look at it solely from that perspective, but your relationship with Christ is of first priority and if you feel the change will lead you to a deeper more intimate relationship with Christ then you have to go. You should talk to your pastor, and tell him how you feel. If he listens, wants to counsel, wants to help, wants to consider changes, then you should stay and be a part of the solution. If he is unwilling, it is time to find a new home. I think a lot of people right restlessness and excitement off to being young and inexpierienced, don’t buy into that lie. If you are restless there is a reason. Either you are restless because God is calling you to be a change agent in the church you serve, or because He is calling you. Prioritize your relationship with Christ. Will this help me know Him better? If yes, go. If no, stay.
Very literally praying for you and your decisions and that if a transition is made that you would lead the church through it well. Leaving poorly is a very quick way to through away all the time you have put into the ministry there. God bless.
Wish there was a way to edit comments if you push send before proof reading….
Wow. I am 24. I could have wrote the majority of this article. It is something I have been struggling with for a long time. A week ago I resigned from the church I have been serving full-time for 4 1/2 years. The Church I grew up in. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I fully relate to everything you are saying. I think the above points are good ones. It is true that part of spiritual maturity is learning to prioritize your personal relationship with God and “feed yourself.” But I don’t think that necessarily equates to suffering through this situation at the church. While that is valuable lesson to be learned I am not convinced that is a practical way to live. You lead out of who you are and not what you do. The kids are always “worth it,” but I don’t think you can look at it solely from that perspective. Your relationship with Christ is of first priority and if you feel that this change will lead you to a deeper, more intimate, relationship with Christ then you have to go. You should talk to your pastor, and tell him how you feel. If he listens, wants to counsel, wants to help, wants to mentor, wants to consider changes, then you should stay and be a part of the solution. If he is unwilling, then it is time to find a new home. I think that a lot of people write restlessness and excitement off to being young and inexpierienced, don’t buy into that lie. If you are restless there is a reason. Either you are restless because God is calling you to be a change agent in the church you serve, or because He is calling you to move on. Prioritize your relationship with Christ. Will this help me know Him better? If yes, go. If no, stay.
Very literally praying for you and your decisions and that if a transition is made that you would lead the church through it well. Leaving poorly is a very quick way to through away all the time you have put into the ministry there. God bless. “Serving harder” or suffering is not a substitute for intimacy with Jesus. Some have unintentionally suggested that if you got your personal spiritual life together that you would know you are supposed to stay. That is not necessarily true.
Josh – I understand feeling dry, unfed, and uncared for. I don’t have much specific advice, but here are a few potholes to avoid.
-It would be very unwise to switch churches within the SAME city. The damage, controversy, and competition that this would create is not something you want to be responsible for.
-Feeling dry and uncared for does not equal a lack of calling.
-Gather some peers as well as older, wiser men and women who KNOW you well and ask for their advice. All of us out here in blog-world are great, but we don’t know YOU at all.
-Decisions made in times of darkness and dryness are often not great decisions.
I have no idea what decision is the wise one – go or stay. I hope that the Holy Spirit and the community around you will lead you to the decision that brings the most glory to God.
Man, my heart goes out to you and your decisions. I think you have been given some really good advice from these comments and I am sure in the people you encounter with this issue in your life. Youth ministry is hard, period. I have been doing it for 4 1/2 years and no week looks like the last. I have had both ups and downs, big decisions and one-on-one connections with kids. I must say that sticking with this has been one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life, and I am sure you feel the same. So I only offer a match to this flame.(that’s kinda corny
) In Mark chapter 1, Jesus just finishes with an exhausting day of healing and performing miracles. An entire town gathered at this house for Jesus to cast out demons and heal the sick. He then left early in the morning and went to a solitary place to pray. You got to think there was probably more people to help and knowing the character of Jesus he was willing to help people even if it went against what other people thought. Well it says in verse 37 that Simon finds Jesus and tells Him, “Everyone is looking for you” Jesus says, Let us go somewhere else–to the nearby villages–so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” That doesn’t make a lot of sense for Jesus to leave a group of so many that need His help, does it? But Jesus wasn’t saying no to these people because they didn’t deserve it, He was saying that if you only stay still and wait for the ministry to come to you, there are a lot of people out there who won’t hear about Jesus because you didn’t seek them out. Jesus came to this earth to heal all He could but couldn’t do that if He only healed that town. I hope you don’t seek out churches for a better service, music, evangelism plan. Seek out a church for what God can do through you in that church. Is that church filled with people who need healing, or do they all seem pretty comfortable with what they are. No church is perfect even the ones that were started by Jesus’ disciples. May God bless your decision and I hope you find the broken to which you can pour yourself into. Peace my brother in Christ!
I don’t have any experience or advice on this personally, but Mac Lake has an excellent video on quitting in ministry situations here: http://leadingyouthministry.ning.com/video/quitting-1
God bless this process – peace!
We are called to serve in the church, not to be served by the church. Avoid looking at the church as a dispenser of “spiritual goods and services” by being focused on what the church is doing for you. That being said, I am not convinced that your only issue is the whole “being fed” thing. It sounds like you are actually in a place where your vision and ability to lead in your current circumstances are being squashed. If that is the main problem, it is completely different from the problem of being fed and you need to do what the rest of these wise people are saying and seek the Lord.