Geoff Stewart | More Than Dodgeball

Geoff StewartMore Posts Don’t Reply To That Email!

Have you been here?

It’s 9pm, you are sitting at home having a great night and hanging out with friends or your Mrs and you hear your phone vibrate. Curiously you lean over and pick it up not missing a beat in your conversation and noticing it’s an email you open it up to see what it is and then you read it…..

All of a sudden it’s like no one else is in the room, all you can do it pour over the words, the critical comments, accusations and your heart begins to sink. Your friends call your name but you can’t hear them as you are focussed solely on the words on your screen.You read it once and then again to check if they are really saying what you think they are. Finally you snap out of the trance and they ask you if everything is okay and you say it is, but you know it isn’t.

You are rattled, frustrated, mad and annoyed not only at the email but that you opened it and now it is ruining the evening for you. What do you do next?

About a year ago, this exact situation played itself out for me, the email was harsh, it was critical, it had many false or exaggerated points and made me feel nothing short of sick inside. I like many others took to my computer to lay out my response to the email and set the record straight.

I articulated a rebuttal / explanation to every point they had made, did my best to explain why they were incorrect in their understanding of the issues. My argument was a case closed victory for the good guys! Well at least I thought so then, and by the grace of God I did not hit the send button on that message. Instead I waited and the next morning I called my mentor and shared with him the content of the message and how it made me feel and he quickly asked me, “Please tell me you did’t you reply yet?”

“Not yet” I replied and he said “good, DON’T REPLY TO THAT EMAIL!”

He continued and explained to me that sending an email in frustration is never a good idea but replying to an accusatory email is like putting ammunition in their gun. You relinquish all control once you hit send, you have no control over perceived tone or where the content goes from there and all of those words are can be used against you in the court of public opinion or the court of your Lead Pastor. Your case closed argument might lead to the case being closed on your job.

When I looked back at the email I drafted that night, I am so thankful I didn’t send it, I was writing from a place of being hurt, feeling wounded and the tone of my message was like someone backed into a corner and swinging. I was hurtful, rude, arrogant and self righteous and I am thanful I follow the advice of my mentor who said quite simply:

“Pick up the phone”

Call the person, hear them out, help them feel heard, help them understand where you are coming from on the issues. Write down what you talked about, and clarify at the end of the conversation about what they heard and understood from your chat. If you have the opportunity to meet in person even better. Tone is not assumed on the phone like it is on an email, and your words don’t get forwarded around from a phone call either.

If you receive a harsh or critical email from a parent, pick up the phone, don’t reply to that email, you won’t regret it.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

1 View Comments May 16, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts 4 Must Ask Questions When Meeting A Student

I love our youth nights, I love the buzz, the noise of the crowd, the Worship, the community, the teaching, well basically all of it. The experience of the gathered Church to me is rich, in tradition and off the charts in value. But as mush as I love the bigger stage, I have an equal passion for the relational one on one connection with students and have fought hard to maintain a level of relational connectedness to young people even in the midst of a demanding role in the wider church. When I am going to meet with a student for a coffee, a coke or just going for a walk there are a few questions that are guaranteed to be a part of the conversation.

1 – What is something that you are excited about?

This is a great ice-breaker question, its disarming question and allows a student to talk about something they have an easy time talking about, themselves! This is also a strategic question because it gives me some event or opportunity that I can follow up with. If they are excited about their drivers test, a concert or a hot date, I now have intentional opening for a follow up conversation. Remembering these events and following up shows a student they are valued.

2 – How are things going in your small group?

Our ministry has small groups on the same night as our youth gather, which means that 100% of our students are in small groups. As a leader there are certain areas of the culture that I can shape, but within the small groups exists its own community and culture and its important to know what is happening. Any chance you have to get a the straight goods on the pulse of ministry, you should take it because the growth and discipleship is happening in the small group more so than the large gather. Also finding out about a problem or challenge allows me I can’t help that leader navigate the scenario that I otherwise might not have known was a concern.

3- How is your heart?

I am so sold out to asking this question because it allows the transition into asking students how their relationship with God is, where they are experiencing Him or not. Asking a student about their heart allows the conversation to address where they feel encouraged and where they feel discourage and takes the conversation to a level of honestly faster than “so how are you Really doing?”. Our leaders have been starting to latch onto the question and some of the students now have heard it enough that they jokingly ask me the same question. Its a great part of the changing culture of our ministry where we are trying to go deeper in our relationships with God and each other.

4 – How can I pray for you?

This question is a must ask for obvious reasons, but any meaningful conversation with student that doesn’t include this question is a missed opportunity for me. Students need to know that we are here to journey beside them, to intercede on their behalf and intend to follow up with those things they are in need of prayer for. Praying for our students one on one, in the large group and privately is a core part of what we do.

These are just four of the many questions that we ask our students when we meet with them, are there questions that are on your must ask list?

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

Add Comment May 9, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Guest Post: Games That Engage

Games have so much potential to add to the youth group environment and help students be ready to better engage with the message and worship. They are such a great way to include all the students in something ridiculous, break the ice, get some energy out before the message and mix friend groups up so they interact with other people! In my opinion, games are the bomb diggity!

I had very little idea of what made a good game before I got my job as the Junior High Director. Growing up, I was the student that hated playing! Now games are a huge part of my life, I love playing them, and I am slowly learning what makes a great game.

These are the three best things that I have found that I can do to ensure the maximum amount of my students play and enjoy:

1) Make it visually appealing. My biggest wins have been games where the students walk into the gym and KNOW something’s up. (Best games hands down: life-size Angry Birds, Pirates, and Minute to Win It)

2) Keep it simple. Don’t overcomplicate with unnecessary rules. My students have Sesame Street attention spans. Yours probably do too! The less rules the better. Get them playing and add rules if you need to. I usually DO but it’s easier if they’re already well on their way to understanding how the game works. Keeping it simple is also awesome for kids who show up a bit late. They can easily get the hang of things and don’t need a huge string of instructions as they come in.

3) Include different skills/abilities. This is the biggest thing! If you create a game that is only for athletic kids, chances are, only the athletic kids will have fun. Have several different challenges within the game that can allow for every student to feel successful in some way.

4) Get your leaders involved! If they get into the game and are willing to laugh at themselves and get sweaty running around, your students will be SO much more enthusiastic! I cannot emphasize the difference it has made to our games when the leaders buy in, and do what it takes to see all their kids engaged in the games. Incredible.

What have you found with your crew? What have your major wins been? I’d love to snag some new ideas from you guys!

Emily Bruins is the Junior High Director at Peace Portal Alliance Church in Surrey, BC. She gets to work alongside Geoff Stewart and it’s pretty awesome (Geoff did not force me to say that)

Add Comment May 4, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Awkward = Healthy

I love visting other youth groups and seeing the different ways that each of them approaches ministry and seeing the different cliques and types of students that each group attracts. In the city I work, the diversity between each of the different ministries is pretty surprising but something I love to see, that students can find a place that speaks their language, with a community they belong to and feel safe in. Each group is a reflection of the the values and style of each leader and fulfilling the purpose of reaching different students.

When I visit a new group I am always on the look out for one thing, the awkward kids. The ones that don’t fit in a lot of places, the ones that maybe don’t have tons of friends and that might look and act very differently than other students. I am not looking for the jocks, the hipsters, or any sort of “cool” kid, in fact I think most youth groups have their fair share of those students, I am looking for the complete opposite. Show me your kids that like to use the coat rack as a light saber, show me your Zacchaeus’s, those are the students to help point to a healthy community.

It’s easy to create a space where social students can be social, but creating an environment where students that don’t fit in can fit in is what it’s all about. You show me a ministry that has no awkward kids, I would be able to argue pretty quickly that, that group is not a safe place. There are students that are reminded often at school that they are different and they don’t fit in, but there is no way that the same should be said of youth group. You belong here, you are safe here, you are one of us here, you are accepted here.

Awkward kids are a sign of health, a sign of a culture of grace for students of all kinds, where young people can feel that they belong, they are safe and are accepted when in many other areas of their life they don’t experience that reality. A group that is diverse, is a group that is experiencing authentic community and youth group is a great place for that to happen.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

Add Comment April 24, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Overtime Legalism

Working in youth ministry is an often dynamic and unpredictable work environment and I often find myself wondering how I get paid to do what I do. The events, conferences, cokes and relationships with leaders and students make being a youth pastor incredibly rewarding. One of the challenges of the unpredictable and relational nature of our job is the strange blending of our personal life and work life and knowing where one starts and the others ends can be blurry.

Most youth pastors who are full time work with a schedule of 40 hours a week + or – with expectations of volunteer hours as well pushing most work weeks to the 45 hours or so mark. Before I worked in the Church a 45 hour work week sounded like heaven compared to my 55+ hour schedule.

With the uniqueness of ministry and the blurriness of personal/work time there comes the need to claw back hours worked outside our your normal schedule. That meeting that is unavoidably on your day off, staying well into the evening for an event or overnight for the dreaded lock in, we sometimes go over our hours. There is any number of compelling and reasonable reasons that one could see those and many other activities that are part of the job and request time off in lieu for those extra hours worked. But just a few weeks back I heard about a youth worker who was taking it way too far.

This youth worker was in a constant battle with his Board of Elders about paid time off for extra time worked. This was not the normal every day type stuff, here is what he was asking for:

3 days off for every 1 day he was on retreat with his students (his rationale being that he normally works 8 hours a day, not 24 and thus should be given the other 16 hours including sleeping time off with pay. After all he was not sleeping in his bed) for a total of 9 days off for a three day retreat
Half a day off for conversations he had with friends about Church in the past few weeks. (rationale being that due to his work at the Church, he ends up working by talking about “Church” while with his friends)
He counts his schedule down the minute making sure that he works his requirement exactly.

I have a great friend at a pretty large church that hosts a massive international conference every year, for the weekend that they host the world it’s all hands on deck. Everyone is serving all weekend and come monday morning everyone is back in the office ready to make it happen. I asked if they were given time off for working the weekend and he said yes, but people that work at the Church are bought into the vision and know that this weekend is core to the mission vision and value. He said they have a culture that being a part of the Church means serving the Church and that if his Pastor gets so much as a sniff of legalism around hours would be watching your taillights leaving the parking lot.

I can understand not giving up every waking hour of your life to the Church but this seems somewhat excessive:

So I have three questions for you:

Where is it appropriate to ask for paid time off for extra hours work?

Have you seen this abused?

We ask our volunteers to give up their time over and above their full time work, how much time should we give?

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

10 View Comments April 17, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Don’t Send That Email

The week before going to camp or this case a retreat is always hectic with tons of plans and last minute details that have to hammered out. The stress level is high and patience is running low as we rush around sourcing out pens and extension cords. We do a retreat every year and somehow we hadn’t learned from the year before and were allowing students to sign up after the registration deadline which increased the workload for our team in shuffling cabins and bus lists but we knew it would be all worth it and after all the more the merrier of course!

In the craziness of last minute registrations and final details we were experiencing a problem bigger than insufficient pens and power bars. With two days remaining until we were leaving for camp, a significant number of our leaders were not committed or not coming to camp. When our leaders sign up for the year we give them two weekends we were all hands on deck for and this was one of them and they just weren’t committing to be there.

I was frustrated.

I was frustrated because they had said they would be there and now nearly half weren’t coming. Some had to work, others had weak excuses and others did not respond to multiple emails and texts. We had a leader crisis two days before camp.

I didn’t know what to do, so I drafted up a long and well articulated email that outlined my frustration, reminded them of the commitment the made and tried to explain the life change that happens at camp and basically tried to take them on an all expenses paid guilt trip. It felt great to write, to get my feelings out but I quickly realized that while helpful for me, it was not going to be helpful for our team. I left the message for an hour and after showing my colleague, rewrote the email shorter, clearer and outlined THE NEED -More volunteers for the weekend THE ASK - Would you consider shuffling the weekend to spend with our students at camp THE WHY - Help them understand why our weekend camp is the most important event we do all year. The result was 11 more volunteers committing to being there.

Here is what I learned:

Anger, Frustration and Rebuke are not best communicated via email.
Let someone you trust get you off the ledge by showing them your draft and chat with them about your frustrations.
Deal with the need before the event and follow up one on one after you have cooled down.
Remember that God is going to do something in spite of you, or your volunteers.

There are going to frustrating situations where you might be tempted to use email to let someone or a group of people know how you are feeling, and while it might feel good for the moment its not the place for conflict. Deal with immediate need and once you have sorted out your feelings, take the time to meet one on one with your team when the extra time to meet will be worth it in the long run.

Long story short: Don’t send that email.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

3 View Comments April 3, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Think Like Them

Josh and Kurt had a great post about understanding the world your students live in and I wanted to dig a little deeper on the subject:

In our ministry; like many others, Music is a core part of what we do week in and week out. Before and after our service and the Worship time within it, the music creates a vibe and a space where are students can connect with God and each other. When it comes to Christian music there have been few albums more hyped than Hillsong’s newest release “Zion” which has been a top seller in multiple countries and is filled with incredible music that unapologetically points to Jesus.

In the past few weeks of connecting with other youth pastors in my area, the topic of the album has come up several times and one comment I have made to each person that I have discussed it with is that there isn’t any “youthy,” jump around classic Hillsong United anthem type songs on “Zion” and most of them were content with the departure. As I get older, my taste in music has change, and for a band like Hillsong United, they are getting older too and with the maturation of their members, comes a maturation of their sound as well.

So what am I getting at? As we get older, and our tastes mature it can become easy for us to lose sight of who we are serving and leading. I may be getting further away from high school every year, but the students entrusted to me are still there, and thus I need to be sure to do my best to see the world through their eyes and through their ears. While I may be less inclined to jump around during a worship service than I once was, I need to know that for 16 year old me, there was nothing better. The truth is:

The music that you encounter God through will probably be different
The games that you find fun to play might not be fun to students
The overnight lock-in might be the most dreaded event on your calendar, but the most exciting one on your student’s
The style and feel of a night that will make it conducive to a high schooler inviting a friend to is going to be different than what it might be for you.

Our responsibility is to advocate for the needs of our students. Sometimes that means doing events and playing songs that might not speak to our needs or engage us as much, but we are not youth pastors to serve our own interests. This is the place where student leaders and young volunteers are invaluable. Much like your grandparents favoring a rotary phone over an iPhone, we’ll often resort to the familiar and comfortable. There will be things that we might not be able to wrap our minds around at first, that we need to know and be fluent in. It can be challenging to try and continually re-learn the teenage mind, but for us to be effective in our ministry to students, we owe it to our students to understand the way they see the world.

Geoff – geoffcstewart