Subscribe to the NetworkGUEST POST: Handling Behavioral Issues
Joe Thompson sent in this article about some growing pains they are having in their youth ministry these days.
Recently, because of a few factors, there has been a dynamic shifted in our youth group. With this dynamic shift we’ve begun to encounter some behavior issues. Thankfully, the extent of the problems we’ve faced have been nothing more than disruptive behavior like talkativeness, goofing off, and things like that. Though these problems can seem minor they can quickly begin to wear down volunteers and cultivate a culture of disrespect in a youth group.
So, through some reading on the issue (Les Christie’s “When Church Kids Go Bad” and David Arp’s “Suddenly They’re 13”) and learning as I go, here are some insights that I’ve found…
We Want Every Student There
We want them all, even the bad ones. Sure it would be nice to have a youth group full of well behaved, Christ-centered students, but let’s face it; it’s not going to happen! Besides, having a group full of “good” kids is not the point. It is the unruly, self-consumed, and “bad” kids that we need to be sharing Christ’s love with the most! When we get to the point when we only want to spend time with and minister to good kids, we need to step back and take a good look (or have someone else take a good look) at our motives for being in youth ministry.Les Christie also makes a great point in his book that the high-energy troublemakers are often the ones that end up doing something great for God while the more timid, mild-mannered ones will continue in that same vein throughout their life.
Team Up With Parents
Let’s be honest, we only have a chance to interact with most students for about 2-3 hours a week. If we think we are going to be the only agents of change in their lives then we have way too much confidence in ourselves. The truth is we need to be finding ways that we can be teaming with parents to help them develop an attitude of respect within these students. We do this by first of all letting parents know about the problem. Youth Ministers seem to shy away from notifying parents about behavior problems, I believe, because they are afraid of hurting a relationship with the students and appearing to parents like they can’t handle the situation.When parents come on board with your plan to develop respect and good behavior you will find no greater advocate and resource.
Team Up With Students
No matter how young you feel or how hip you think you dress, a 30 year-old youth minister does not have the same influence that an upperclassman has. Students know you get paid to be the “bad guy” so they expect you to get upset when they goof off. But when an older student steps up and demands respect for the leader and for each person in the group, you’ll see what peer pressure is all about.Unfortunately, it’s the tendency of your more mature, older students to shy away from the disruptive ones. In fact, if the more mature ones feel that they are outnumbered, some will stop coming. So, help these student leaders to recognize the influence they have. Remind them of what it was like when they were young and the kind of respect they had for the upperclassmen. Then allow them to help you put together a game plan for addressing the problem. Now, be careful not to allow any student to overstep their boundaries. It should be the adults who issue discipline, not students. But an upperclassman telling a class to quiet down and listen can often be more effective than an adult doing the same.
Respect Over Friendship
We, as youth ministers, want to be liked. We want our students to want to hang out with us and think highly of us. Unfortunately, this desire can sometimes keep us from demanding and developing respect. We may tend to not call students out or allow situations to go too far before intervening or involving parents all in the hope of not damaging a friendship with a student. But our goal should not be friendship, it should be respect. Think of your closest friends. What kind of respect do you have for them? Respect is one of the strongest foundations for friendships. If respect is not there from both sides, then there’s a good chance that you’re not a friend, you’re an enabler.
JG
Thanks for the article, God’s timing is so good. We had a great night last night – but experienced a lot of what you wrote about. Your article has helped me keep things in perspective and not get distracted by minor stuff that goes with the territory of a growing student ministry.
russ