conflict | More Than Dodgeball

Geoff StewartMore Posts Don’t Send That Email

The week before going to camp or this case a retreat is always hectic with tons of plans and last minute details that have to hammered out. The stress level is high and patience is running low as we rush around sourcing out pens and extension cords. We do a retreat every year and somehow we hadn’t learned from the year before and were allowing students to sign up after the registration deadline which increased the workload for our team in shuffling cabins and bus lists but we knew it would be all worth it and after all the more the merrier of course!

In the craziness of last minute registrations and final details we were experiencing a problem bigger than insufficient pens and power bars. With two days remaining until we were leaving for camp, a significant number of our leaders were not committed or not coming to camp. When our leaders sign up for the year we give them two weekends we were all hands on deck for and this was one of them and they just weren’t committing to be there.

I was frustrated.

I was frustrated because they had said they would be there and now nearly half weren’t coming. Some had to work, others had weak excuses and others did not respond to multiple emails and texts. We had a leader crisis two days before camp.

I didn’t know what to do, so I drafted up a long and well articulated email that outlined my frustration, reminded them of the commitment the made and tried to explain the life change that happens at camp and basically tried to take them on an all expenses paid guilt trip. It felt great to write, to get my feelings out but I quickly realized that while helpful for me, it was not going to be helpful for our team. I left the message for an hour and after showing my colleague, rewrote the email shorter, clearer and outlined THE NEED -More volunteers for the weekend THE ASK - Would you consider shuffling the weekend to spend with our students at camp THE WHY - Help them understand why our weekend camp is the most important event we do all year. The result was 11 more volunteers committing to being there.

Here is what I learned:

Anger, Frustration and Rebuke are not best communicated via email.
Let someone you trust get you off the ledge by showing them your draft and chat with them about your frustrations.
Deal with the need before the event and follow up one on one after you have cooled down.
Remember that God is going to do something in spite of you, or your volunteers.

There are going to frustrating situations where you might be tempted to use email to let someone or a group of people know how you are feeling, and while it might feel good for the moment its not the place for conflict. Deal with immediate need and once you have sorted out your feelings, take the time to meet one on one with your team when the extra time to meet will be worth it in the long run.

Long story short: Don’t send that email.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

3 View Comments April 3, 2013

Josh GriffinMore Posts Resolving a Conflict with Staff

There’s nothing more challenging interpersonally than dealing with a serious conflict with someone on your church staff, or a volunteer in a key position in your ministry. The temptation would be to let time heal it, or hope that the tension would simply go away on its own—but fight those feelings because conflict in the church, especially on a team, has to be dealt with well in order for genuine progress to be made.

Can’t we all just get along? Actually, no, and that’s probably a good thing because it forces us to tackle conflict in a God-honoring manner. Here are some steps to move toward resolution when you find yourself in conflict with someone on staff.

Be the bigger person. 
Someone is going to have to lead with humility—might as well be you. How would this relationship change if you decided to take action and humble yourself (right or wrong in the matter that caused the division, either way), and begin a conversation to rebuild trust and love? Until someone does this, any progress will just be an outward act covering up a pain-filled heart. Unresolved conflict eats away at your job satisfaction, your vision, and your heart. Don’t let it happen!

Take a small step forward. 
A simple note, gesture, or gift can go a long way. Could you find an excuse to give them a small token of your love for them—even if it’s never acknowledged or reciprocated? Continually take small steps forward—mixed with time this is a powerful way to break down walls.

Talk them up to other people. 
People can usually sniff out when someone is in tension with another person—in fact, most churches specialize in spreading that information around gleefully, it seems. When you talk positively about the person in conflict, you are disarming the potential for a greater divide in the church, and not forcing people to take sides. Plus, it is surprising (and won’t take long) for word to get back to that person, too!

Pray for healing. 
Too often the “right” answer is to pray for the situation—in this case, it’s no different. You have to ask God to mend what is broken and heal what areas are infected. Conflict between people who work together every day can, and has, claimed many churches—don’t let yours be one of them!

Re-read yesterday’s article.
And by the way, a whole bunch of what we wrote yesterday concerning dealing with a disappointed parents can also apply to resolving conflict on your ministry team. Here’s an example:

Kurt: “Josh, I can understand why you FEEL threatened by my physical stature.”
Kurt: “In fact, Josh, other people on our team have FELT the same way.”
Kurt: “Here’s what I’ve FOUND: As long as you don’t tick me off…you have nothing to be afraid of.”

See…It’s simple!

Who do you need to take a small step forward with today?

This post was written by Josh Griffin and Kurt Johnston and originally appeared as part of Simply Youth Ministry Today free newsletter. Subscribe to SYM Today right here.

Add Comment April 1, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Caught Not Taught: 6 Lessons Students Must Learn From Our Life Part 1: Conflict

We are embarking on a 6 part series of topics that we need to teach our students through our lives and actions. Students seeing them lived out first will bring integrity to the message we preach.

A few days ago I wrote a post about Conflict In The Internet Age and the growing reality of students who are lacking the skills or in many cases the desire to engage in healthy conflict or disagreement due to the messy nature of interactions like this. In addition to my previous post about a generation that doesn’t have to put up with anything they don’t like here are a few more considerations with conflict:

We Throw Away Things That Break: In my office at work I have a 1938 GE Console Radio (picture below). I love the craftsmanship that went into it. To think that every one of them was made by hand is amazing. No robots, not injection moulds, just hard working people putting tender loving care into it. My grandpa had one just like it and you know what he did if it broke or needed repair? He would load it in his car and take it down the road to the local radio repairman to have it fixed up. We used to fix things. TVs, VCRs, Toaster Ovens you name it, people fixed them. Last year my printer ran out of ink, I went to buy a new cartridge and sure enough, it was cheaper to get a whole new printer with ink in it, so I threw away the old one. If my computer monitor breaks it’s going in the garbage. My ipod? Garbage. My TV? Garbage. My Jeans? Garbage. When things break, we throw them away. So are we surprised when a friendship breaks down that students simply throw them away for a newer, better one?

We Celebrate Conflict, But Rarely Reconciliation: Celebrity gossip and sleaze is a multi-billion dollar industry employing countless people whose sole job is to get the latest dish on peoples favourite celebs. Conflict may not make them famous, but it sure can keep their name in the press. This culture loves a good fight and some good ol’ fashion smack talking. We celebrate the conflict, but how often does our culture celebrate reconciliation?

We Need To Be Champions Of Reconciliation: This is where we come in, where our lives need to reflect the values in Matthew 5 on forgiveness and reconciliation. How this is lived out will reflect our ability to be “the adult” when it comes to challenges with students. If there is a student you know who is frustrated with us, or with something we said we need to be on the front line of engaging them. Not because we want to be liked, but because like my grandpa’s old radio, it is worth the time and energy to fix it. Throwing it away might be easier, but the costs are high. Students need to see how we handle criticism, how we handle an angry parent, or a leader who is not leading well. When it comes to students who have been hurt by other students, it is our responsibility to equip them with the tools and provide objectivity so that they can work out their differences. This could mean very persistent and intentional communication with both parties to help them see the value in meeting. We must champion this value.

So What Do Students See In Your Life: Are you are the type of person that doesn’t get along with a lot of people? Are you a relational Tasmanian Devil going from person to person and not seeking to right your wrongs or ask forgiveness for your words or actions? Or are you a leader who can admit they were wrong, ask forgiveness of a student or leader when required. Are you a leader that will give up your time and make every effort to help a student navigate the deep valley of being hurt by a friend and walk them through a path of Biblical reconciliation?

We have enough of the first type of people, we need the second kind. We need humble leaders who aren’t perfect but can admit when we’re are wrong and whose lives reflect these values.

Are you modelling conflict and reconciliation well for your students?

Geoff – twitter geoffcstewart

Add Comment January 23, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Conflict In The Internet Age

I remember a time when I didn’t have an email address, when I had a friend in high school who had Napster and in a good evening where no one picked up the phone and cut the connection we could download 3 songs and couldn’t believe how fast it was. I remember a time before Facebook and Google and I don’t know if I liked it better but it was definitely different. Working with students today, they have never known a world without the internet, never learned the beauty of using a library card catalog to find a book or fumbled with a microfiche reader. There are so many redeeming and exciting things about the world that we live in now, but I am starting to think that there are some unfortunate side effects that will cause some new challenges that we need to know how to take on.

Case and point: Conflict

In the past few weeks I have had some tough conversations with several students about their life and the road it was leading them down and talked to others about pride, attitude and spiritual arrogance. In both cases ;as kindly and gracefully as I could tell them, neither have not been back to the group since our conversation. I have reached out, called, messaged and apologized for the way the conversation made them feel. As it says in Galatians 4:16 Have I become their enemy for telling them the truth? There seems to be a growing trend for students to not know how to engage with people they disagree with and would rather avoid the conflict and part of the root of this I feel is coming from the fact that:

Students don’t have to put up with anything they don’t like.

Whether its music, TV, or conversations, young people today have the world at their finger tips. If they don’t like the song, they have thousands available to them in seconds. Gone are the days of waiting for the song on the radio to finish or turning it down. Today they don’t have to put up with anyone else’s music because they can bring their own. Have you driven past a school bus of students recently? Its white ear buds from front to back. No more 99 bottles of beer on that wall. They have hundreds of TV channels plus DVRs, Youtube, Hulu, Netflix means that they never really have to watch anything that they don’t have to. Entertainment is on demand so why should people not be the same?

So logically the same expectations of instantly getting what they want enters the realm of relationships. They know what they want, and they know what they don’t. With hundreds of friends on Facebook, the moment that a relationship is not what they want anymore they switch and go find one they better. Sadly this is exactly what is happening when students experience conflict. The modern conveniences of our culture are teaching our students that compromise is not necessary or important. Teenagers can block anyone from my newsfeed whom they disagree with or don’t like. With phone in hand, the moment an event gets remotely boring or uncomfortable they reach for the phone to find something or someone better or at least less awkward than what is in front of them. They can find engaging community online with every area of interest in their life. Friends who they share common interests and with are only a text or app away, so why would they talk to someone who might not share their thoughts / opinions? That just seems like work.

This is the challenge we are going to engage in, how do we teach students the value of healthy conflict and that you can be friends with people you don’t always agree with? How can we go make disciples if we are unwilling to engage those whose opinions differ from ours.

In the next 2 weeks I am going to be writing a 6 part series on things we need to teach our students with our lives before we preach to them. I pray is helpful and encouraging to you. Working with students is never easy and this new generation that wants things their way or no way at all is going to be even harder to reach.

-Geoff – Twitter geoffcstewart

8 View Comments January 21, 2013

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: Confronting Conflict – Part 2: The Confrontation

I was a film major in college, which means a few things: I’ve seen a ton of movies, I’m totally pretentious, and I think Orson Wells is a genius. One of the things I studied in film school is the art of a sequel. Some sequels can stand alone, meaning you don’t need to know anything about the series in order to enjoy it (i.e., The Phantom Menace). Other sequels are completely dependent on the first film (i.e., The Empire Strikes Back). Think of this blog as The Empire Strikes Back. Confrontation is useless unless you first prepare yourself and your heart. Because of this, make sure you ask yourself the three questions covered in PART ONE.

Confrontation can either lead to reconciliation or destruction, and anyone who has ever dealt with conflict knows that there is a thin line that separates the two. We need to make sure we take every step we can to approach our conflict in a way that honors the Lord, and that starts with discerning the condition of your heart and the purpose of the conversation. If, after prayer and consideration, you decide that confrontation is the best option, keep these things in mind:

1. Pray. Prepare yourself for the conversation you are about to walk into. Pray that the Lord provides you with effective words. Pray that hearts are humble and ready for what’s to come. Pray for peace and reconciliation. Overall, pray that your confrontation will be God-glorifying!

2. Balance truth and love. I feel like most of us are really good at half of this. If you’re like me, you are REALLY good at being truthful (maybe too much so). Unfortunately, we often attack others with our words, making it impossible for others to embrace our “truth.” Others are great at being loving, but their fear of hurting feelings prevents them from providing helpful criticism. We need to balance both truth and love if we want our conversation to be fruitful.

3. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. The purpose of confrontation is to voice your feelings and frustrations and work towards reconciliation. It is important to keep in mind that the person you are confronting wants to be heard and understood just as much as you do. Even if you think you’re right or know you’ve done nothing wrong, make sure you allow the other person the opportunity to give their side of the story. Remember that you are there to seek understanding, not to voice your opinions.

These are just a few ways to make the most of your confrontation. What would you add to this?

Colton Harker is the Student Leadership Coordinator at Saddleback HSM. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact him at coltonharker@gmail.com or on twitter at @ColtonHarker.

Add Comment August 4, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts 10 Things That Will Cost You Your Youth Ministry Job

Really enjoyed a post by Len Evans over on his blog Looking Out From My Little Place. It had some great insight on things that youth workers do that usually end up costing them their position. Here’s a couple of the standouts to me, head over there for all 10:

4. Ignoring conflicting ministry philosophies.
Your theological imperatives will drive what you do in ministry, but your ministry philosophy will drive how you do it. So it’s crucial that you and your church agree on the how to’s of ministry. You and your church might both value evangelism, but if you don’t agree on how to do evangelism you’re sailing into a major storm. Also, if your church functionally defines “youth worker” as “events coordinator” but you see yourself as a pastor, you’d better spiff up your résumé because you’ll need it sooner than you expect.

6. Forgetting that perception is reality.
Whatever people think of you, good or bad, is real to them. Make sure they know the truth about you and your ministry, and make sure the truth about you and your ministry is good. If one person decides to believe something insidious about you or your ministry, then shares that belief with others as a “prayer request” or outright slander, you’ve got a battle to fight. And it’s amazing how battles can quickly get out of hand (if your name is Trent Lott, you understand this intimately). You’ll eventually lose the war, so make sure that perception is the truth by confronting misperceptions and “making peace with your enemies” (Luke 14:31-32). When a perception problem springs up, head directly to your senior pastor’s office first so you can clear it up before it gets to him.

8. Marginalizing powerful parents.
When Powerful Parents Attack—it could be a show on Fox, but it’s not entertaining when it happens to you. Your Church magazine ran a series about forced exits a few years ago. They found that it takes only 3 to 4 percent of a congregation to spark a staff member’s firing. Know who the “power parents” in your church are, and do your best to make sure they’re on your side. Don’t succumb to pressure or let them bully you, but bend to their desires when it’s a neutral preference issue, not a core principle.

JG

Add Comment April 3, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: 3 Things to Consider Before Becoming a Leader

Growing up I heard from a lot of the adults in my life that “leadership” was, in no uncertain terms, going to be a part of my future. At the time, it sounded like a great idea. Sure, I can lead others, and when I really thought about it, why shouldn’t others follow me? After all, I’ve got opinions, ideas, and to me they all sounded like pure gold.

Now that I am in a position of leadership, I wish someone had warned me about all that it entailed. It seems like everything these days comes with some kind of warning except leadership. There’s labels on clothes now that tell people not to iron the garment while wearing it! Sadly I ignored that label once, and found out why it was there. Even prescription medication is forced to come with warning labels. I think sometimes if leadership was a prescription drug the warning label might read like this:

“Leadership: WARNING – Some side affects of leadership may occur. These side affects may include but are not limited to uncontrollable pride, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, hair loss, weight gain/loss depending on your bodies natural response, stabbing sensation in back, consistent and at times and crippling fear of rejection and failure, loss of volunteers, unfair expectations, disappointment, some mild to moderate discomfort due to management/pastoral pressure may occur. Confrontation as well as loss of buy-in, dry mouth, and in some rare but serious cases occupational DEATH may occur. Please consult your physician before adding a regular dose of leadership to your life. Leadership is not for everyone, but if you’ve wondered what it’s like on the other side see if leadership might by right for you.”

Perhaps if this was attached to every leadership position we may think twice about jumping on board. It wasn’t until I jumped into, naively as it were, a leadership role in a large church situation that I learned how many areas of leadership I could really use growth in. I am fortunate to be in a position where I am being allowed to grow as a leader while still maintaining my position. Not everyone has that same luxury, so here are some things to consider before becoming a leader.

1) Being a leader means being a regular conflict.
There is no way to avoid it. Without a doubt if you are in a position of leadership then you will learn that you have a creepy, slimy, male pattern baldness inflicted little hobbit following you around and its name is conflict. Disagreement, miscommunication, and hurt are like golden rings that call out to the obsessive creature that is conflict. In order to be a leader it’s important to become a champion of conflict. Approaching it and acknowledging it when it first shows itself, addressing the why behind the issue, and observing patience, grace, and maturity while resolving it are critical to becoming a conflict champion.

2) Being a leader means being organized for the sake of others.
If you are a hyper organized person, please don’t think that this is something you can just skip. If you are someone who struggles with, hates, or fears structure and organization like the plague (this was me) please don’t run. This issue is critical to your success as a leader, and without it failure is eminent. Understand, organization for the sake of organization is not enough. It must be purposeful and intentional in its nature. Organization should be developed in order to communicate love and appreciation to those around you. Whether its the people who work alongside of you, work under you, volunteer, or are ministered to organization will communicate value and love to those people, and without it a leader will not last long.

3) Being a leader means being a follower first.
One of the most alluring aspects of leadership is the idea of “being in charge”. Often times leaders gravitate to positions of authority simply because of status, influence, and pride. Leadership is not all it’s cracked up to be. As a leader it is pivotal that you first become a follower. We must be willing to submit ourselves first to Christ as our ultimate authority. Not only Christ, but we must also emulate the role David took as a leader too. Even though he had been anointed as the next king of Israel he took on the role of armor bearer for Saul. He carried, and promoted his leader and followed him into battle. Don’t get into leadership if you’re stuck on being first.

Eric Upton is a youth pastor who blogs at Life in the Trenches and has contributed many guests posts here at More Than Dodgeball.

2 View Comments March 24, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: Make the Dificult Call First

Have you ever got a message on your voicemail or read the subject of an email and a pit instantly developed in your stomach? I have. I remember getting a voicemail from a parent that was upset with me. To say the least…she was livid. As I listened to her message, I hoped that she just wanted to scream at me over voicemail and would forget to ask me to call her back. She didn’t and as she concluded her message, she gave me her phone number and told me to call.

You may think that I’m a super pastor and handle those situations with ease. I’m not. I did what most people do–I avoided. I instantly came up with a bunch of urgent to-do items and calling her back was easily put off until later in the day. I remember thinking that I should just suck it up and call her back instantly, but I didn’t.

Fast-forward a couple days and as I waited for her and her husband to come into my office for a face-to-face, I was scared to death. Not only did I forget to call her back as the day went on, I waited to the next day.

The first few moments after they entered my office, she told me that I didn’t see her call (or this issue) as urgent. I see where she was coming from, but in all honesty, what she didn’t know is that I wanted to run away and enter the witness protection program. I always knew that dealing with conflict and angry parents were a part of the gig, but this wasn’t what I signed up for in student ministry. Where was the metro worship pastor playing kumbaya?

The meeting was a mess and nothing I said helped the matter. After a good fist pounding on my desk, several colorful words, and awkward moments of “I’m catching my breath” silence the ordeal was over. That day, I learned that I needed to make my most difficult call first. I realized that doing so forces me to handle situations I don’t want to handle. It also keeps me from accidently forgetting or stressing about it the rest of the day. I’ve compiled a “To-do” list for handling tough issues like this. I hope it helps!

Pull out your Bible and read Philippians 4:5
Make a list of a couple key points that you want to communicate
Allow them to vent their frustration (Resist the urge to interrupt and defend yourself)
In response, control your tone of voice
Admit any personal fault
Thank them for contacting you

These steps won’t guarantee that everything will go away. I still resist the urge to put off hard conversations, but experience has taught me that implementing these items can spur healing and forgiveness.

What is the hardest call you’ve ever had to make?

About Nick Farr: By the age of 30, Nick has served as a missionary, creative arts director, student pastor, graphic designer, freelance photographer, and now church planter. He’s married to an amazing woman and has one daughter. He’s regularly blogs at http://www.EverythingPastor.com