criticism | More Than Dodgeball

Geoff StewartMore Posts Don’t Reply To That Email!

Have you been here?

It’s 9pm, you are sitting at home having a great night and hanging out with friends or your Mrs and you hear your phone vibrate. Curiously you lean over and pick it up not missing a beat in your conversation and noticing it’s an email you open it up to see what it is and then you read it…..

All of a sudden it’s like no one else is in the room, all you can do it pour over the words, the critical comments, accusations and your heart begins to sink. Your friends call your name but you can’t hear them as you are focussed solely on the words on your screen.You read it once and then again to check if they are really saying what you think they are. Finally you snap out of the trance and they ask you if everything is okay and you say it is, but you know it isn’t.

You are rattled, frustrated, mad and annoyed not only at the email but that you opened it and now it is ruining the evening for you. What do you do next?

About a year ago, this exact situation played itself out for me, the email was harsh, it was critical, it had many false or exaggerated points and made me feel nothing short of sick inside. I like many others took to my computer to lay out my response to the email and set the record straight.

I articulated a rebuttal / explanation to every point they had made, did my best to explain why they were incorrect in their understanding of the issues. My argument was a case closed victory for the good guys! Well at least I thought so then, and by the grace of God I did not hit the send button on that message. Instead I waited and the next morning I called my mentor and shared with him the content of the message and how it made me feel and he quickly asked me, “Please tell me you did’t you reply yet?”

“Not yet” I replied and he said “good, DON’T REPLY TO THAT EMAIL!”

He continued and explained to me that sending an email in frustration is never a good idea but replying to an accusatory email is like putting ammunition in their gun. You relinquish all control once you hit send, you have no control over perceived tone or where the content goes from there and all of those words are can be used against you in the court of public opinion or the court of your Lead Pastor. Your case closed argument might lead to the case being closed on your job.

When I looked back at the email I drafted that night, I am so thankful I didn’t send it, I was writing from a place of being hurt, feeling wounded and the tone of my message was like someone backed into a corner and swinging. I was hurtful, rude, arrogant and self righteous and I am thanful I follow the advice of my mentor who said quite simply:

“Pick up the phone”

Call the person, hear them out, help them feel heard, help them understand where you are coming from on the issues. Write down what you talked about, and clarify at the end of the conversation about what they heard and understood from your chat. If you have the opportunity to meet in person even better. Tone is not assumed on the phone like it is on an email, and your words don’t get forwarded around from a phone call either.

If you receive a harsh or critical email from a parent, pick up the phone, don’t reply to that email, you won’t regret it.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

1 View Comments 2 days ago

Chris WesleyMore Posts Diffusing Angry People

I was standing right outside of our sanctuary waiting to wish our church members farewell after the morning service. Our pastor had just delivered a gauntlet of a message and you could tell that emotions were high. As the crowd came out, an older man marched right up to me and stopped about 5 inches from my face. My first thought?

Here we go again.

He proceeded to chew me out, criticize the pastor and tear apart our church. It was awful.

Anytime you face criticism you have two choices. You can allow it to control you or you can control it. The way you face criticism is not by fighting back but by:

Embracing The Situation: Don’t recoil or hide, just lean in. Listen and acknowledge the person’s emotions. You don’t have to defend yourself right away or apologize, just accept that this is happening. When you acknowledge a problem it’s easier to deal with it.

Affirming Their Feelings: Best way to diffuse anger is to kill them with kindness. First step is to affirm that they are being listened to. Repeat back to them any emotions or feelings that they’ve expressed. When someone is angry and takes it out on someone they want to know that they are being heard.

Take A Moment: While you might be ready to fight back, be sure to take your time to respond. Speak slowly, use short sentences and ask God to lead you. The problem with conflict is we tend to run into them headfirst. Slow down and take the time to respond to the situation.

Follow Up: After you have allowed them to vent and, have affirmed their emotions, invite them into a further discussion. Whether it’s making an actual appointment or giving them permission to email or call, show them that you care. If it’s serious they’ll follow up and chances are it will be a constructive conversation. If it’s a reaction to something happening outside their relationship with you, chances are they’ll calm down on their own.

Anger, and frustration from others is not easy to deal with. It can be debilitating and demoralizing. It’s important to remember that not everyone who is angry is coming after you. Instead you have to see that people are coming to you for help and assistance. Don’t take it personal; instead use it to build trust. Help them diffuse the anger and show them compassion.

How do you diffuse anger?

Chris Wesley (@chrisrwesley)

Add Comment March 18, 2013

Geoff StewartMore Posts Avoiding Carless Comments

As I write this post, my wife and I are driving the New Orleans to Tallahassee leg of our “Exploring the South” road trip from San Antonio to Miami and we are having a great time. When we are on vacation, Lavonne and I have a few fun traditions including me getting a haircut, taking selfies at borders / state lines but one our favorites is taking the opportunity to visit other Churches and just being in the congregation. We go in, eyes open and hearts open to what God wants to teach us and seeing how other Churches do Church. I always learn a lot and appreciate something new about life at home when I am there.

So this time we decided on Sunday to visit a large Church in Texas that is well know for sure. I was excited to see how they do things, how a new person is received, how they do media, worship, connection etc. I was all ears and eyes trying to take it all in. I posted a photo of the sanctuary and mentioned that I was going to Church there tonight.

Within minutes there was two comments on my Facebook wall, with criticism of the Theology and leadership of the Church that I was visiting while others were amazed by the grandeur of it, and other asking how it was. I was struck by the critical comments, not because of what they said ;after all they were comments I had heard before and knew of going in, but because I realized who was going to read them. I deleted the comments this morning for two reasons.

It confuses Students: For my students who logged onto Facebook last night they saw that I was at a Church, I work at a Church, they attend the Church I work at, so in their eyes its just more of the same. So when they log in a read that I am attending a Church that a friend of mine is criticizing it cause a disorientation that is not necessary or helpful to their walk.

It confuses Non-Believers: For my friends on Facebook who are non-believers, hearing a critical comment about a Church could be just another reason not to believe or to increase disillusionment with the Church. For them, just like students it can be confusing to hear Christians being publicly critical of another Christian group.

Its very important that we as pastors be informed, that we understand what we believe and why, but be constantly mindful of the side effects of sharing that opinion in a public forums online or even in coffee shop, people are listening to what we say and reading what we are writing. I am going to follow

-Geoff

1 View Comments November 15, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts A Parent Complains About a Youth Event … You Should:

From time to time I’m asked to contribute to the Slant33 blog and this week this scenario was presented: A parent complains about a recent youth group event; how do you respond? Here’s the first half of my timeless wisdom on the subject:

Easiest question in youth ministry history! Seriously?

The first thing you should do is ignore the parent as long as possible. You are taking some well-deserved time off after the world’s Best Overnighter in the History of the Universe (TM). Here’s a handy rating scale to let you know how seriously you should take the criticism they level at you:

If the complaint comes via voicemail… Listen carefully to the voicemail, then shake it off and go back to relaxing. A voicemail tells you that the person is 50+ years old, and to help them take a technological baby step, you need to delay returning the call for at least 48 hours. Unless, of course, they name-drop a key elder, deacon, or even hint they might go over your head to the senior pastor. Deduct 1 hour from the projected response time for each time they cry or scream in the message.

If the complaint comes via written letter… Don’t even open it for a few days. Snail mail, really? Did someone use a Portal gun and drop me back in 1974? After a few days, simply toss the letter in the trash then claim it must have been “lost in the mail,” and when you see them across the pews, just say you are so sorry you didn’t respond earlier, but you had no idea.

If the complaint comes via text message… Quickly reply with a short apology and promise to make everything right within 24 hours. This is to honor a parent who knows how to text and is also savvy enough to spread some serious thumbs down on social media if you don’t jump into action.

Obviously meant to be funny … lots more of the answer on the Slant blog if you want to head over there to catch it. HA!

JG

2 View Comments March 26, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: 7 Reminders When Students Mess Up

If you give students responsibilities within your youth ministry, sooner or later they will mess up. Not because they’re incompetent or irresponsible, but because they’re students and therefore only human. How you handle their mistakes can have an enormous impact on them. Here’s seven golden rules to keep in mind when your students mess up:

1. Confront them right away
If they have made a mistake, don’t delay in telling them. Pull them aside and confront them as soon as possible. Usually, they’ll know they have messed up and the agonizing wait for you (or any leader) to say something can be a huge stress factor for them.

2. Be specific
Be sure to tell them what they did wrong and be specific. Don’t leave it at vague stuff like ‘you should have organized the service better’, but name the facts: ‘you forgot to inform the worship leader of the changes in the service’. Check if they have understood what they did wrong.

This may seem like a total superfluous thing to you, but often people ‘close off’ once they know they’re going to get ‘reprimanded’ and they can remember completely different things from a conversation than what you were trying to get across. Add in the factor of students reacting emotionally to emotional stress and you can have a drama on your hands (‘he said I was a total failure and I completely suck at organizing’). So do make sure they understood you correctly.

3. Show the big picture
It’s important that they know what the consequences of their actions are, so give them the big picture. Hoe has their mistake affected the youth ministry? Not to make them feel guilty, but to make them aware. And there’s a huge difference!

4. Affirm them
After you’ve told them what they did wrong, do not forget to take the time to affirm them. Tell them how much you value their efforts, their time and hard work. Don’t say this because you feel you have to, say it like you mean it.

5. Keep it short
Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of negative feedback, so keep it short. This whole conversation doesn’t need to take more than say a minute or two.

6. Forgive them and trust them again
The most important thing for you after you’ve had this conversation is to forgive them and start trusting them again. This can be hard, especially if they messed up big time. But students need to know and feel that there’s room for mistakes, that they get second, third and even fourth chances.

7. Protect them
If possible, protect your students after they’ve made a mistake. While it’s perfectly okay to make a mistake, don’t underestimate what shame can do to students. Protecting them by not revealing their role can give them the courage to try again without losing face. I’ve more than once taken the blame for something others did and I never regretted it. I could take the criticism, they couldn’t.

A couple of years ago, two of my student leaders messed up big time when organizing an event. They signed a contract with a company without my knowledge or permission and it ended costing us about $1000. But years later, these guys came to me to thank me for how I’d handled this. Nobody ever knew what had happened and they had kept serving in youth ministry, both having learned a lot from their mistakes. My trust in them had meant the world to them and had given them the confidence to keep growing as a leader.

How do you handle it when your students mess up?

Rachel Blom is a Dutch youth ministry veteran, now living in southern Germany, who is focused on training youth leaders worldwide to grow in their roles through www.youthleadersacademy.com. You can also find her on Twitter via @youthleadersac

Add Comment June 11, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts When Criticism Isn’t All That Constructive

Doug Fields had a fantastic post over on his blog about criticism and an angry email that a parent sent a youth worker. Ever get one of those? Yeah, me too! The comments have been incredible, and at the very least you can commiserate in the community of those who have also received emails like this one. Here’s a clip of Doug’s post, head there for the rest and the comments for sure:

In the old days of ministry, if someone wanted to complain they would have to work a little harder than they do in today’s world. The ease of email gives a critical spirit an immediate outlet. I HATE getting emails like the one below, but they arrive all the time because email doesn’t allow a filter.

This specific email was sent to a youth pastor friend after an amazing weekend of ministry. He had a great service project on Saturday that was life-changing, and on Sunday Sunday morning his attendance doubled. His plan was to celebrate the weekend with a family BBQ. He bought enough food for all the regular attending teenagers and their families (plus a little extra). Praise God that a bunch of new people showed up and they ran out of food. Bummer. But, it’s not that big of a deal…to most.

Doug just posted a followup to his original post with 10 Ways I Deal With Criticism. His best blog post yet … if you haven’t subscribed yet, today is the day. Good, good stuff.

JG

Add Comment April 7, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: 5 Things to do When Students Complain

It doesn’t happen all the time, but every once in a while you will get one or a few students that have a concern about some element of your youth ministry and want to talk about. These are not conversations I look forward to, but I have had enough of them that I can share the steps I use to get through it and keep the leader-student relationship intact.

Listen: The student who is coming to see you has likely thought long and hard about this conversation, so when you meet let them speak. Makes notes if you have to, the more information you get, the more you have to work with as your respond. The student might be expecting you to just dismiss them so hearing them out will be very disarming and allow a great conversation to follow.

Is it Biblical?: Now that you have heard the student’s concern about the program, are they highlighting something we are doing that is contrary to scripture? This is a great question to ask the student and chew on with them. It might put them on the spot, but it drives home the point that our goal should be to have a Youth Ministry that functions in accordance to Biblical principals. The majority of the time, student complaints are a reflection of taste and personal preference and that you are not running the youth group to their desire and if this is the case, remain calm and proceed to step 3.

Articulate the vision: Perhaps they don’t know why you don’t have the latest Skillet album playing every week when students are arriving, or that having acoustic worship as opposed to a full band means that the Worship team has less opportunities to serve. If you ask me to explain the intentional elements and reasoning behind our youth services, you better be sitting down because I could take an hour. The students don’t know all of that, and when you share why you do one thing and not another they appreciate the insider look at why things are done a certain way. While you are at it, share with that students where God is moving in the area they are concerned about, they might be surprised to hear it.

Recap and clarify: They have come to you with something they think might be wrong; make sure that you have not confused that student with Christianese Pastor Talk. This is the time to prove that you listened but reiterating their concerns and summarizing your response to it. This is really meant to make sure that they don’t leave frustrated for feeling unheard because you may not agree with them, but you cared enough to hear them out and explain why things are not changing.

Thank them: Sticking your neck out does not come easy to everyone and for a student to make time to come see you and share something they are passionate about is a big deal. Make sure you thank them, not only for their time, but for their passion for the youth ministry and willingness to talk to you and not to talk to all of their friends instead (they probably did talk to their friends about it, but verbally giving them the benefit of the doubt will go a long way). You don’t have to agree with them to appreciate the feedback/criticism, take it and be thankful.

These sort of conversations are not my favorite, but are a necessary part of being a Youth Pastor and if done well, are amazing growth opportunities for students and ourselves.

Geoff Stewart is the Pastor of Jr & Sr High School for Journey Student Ministries at Peace Portal Alliance Church and regularly contributes GUEST POSTS to MTDB. Want to get in on the fun? See how right here.

1 View Comments March 27, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: Evaluating Yourself and Your Ministry

I have been in a student ministry paid staff position for three years, nearly to the day (another three years of volunteer ministry before that). I am, well actually my family and I are in a place of transition, I just resigned from my position as Youth Pastor at our church yesterday. We will be presented to another church in view of a call in a couple of weeks, and although we are not assuming this church will call us, we truly believe this is where God is leading us. That said we felt our time at our present church is coming to a close, and regardless of the outcome of the vote we have decided that it’s time to step down. All this has got me thinking about how to gauge our effectiveness in the three years we have spent here. How effective has our ministry been? Has it been a huge success or a monumental failure? If I’m being completely honest, it’s been keeping me up at night. A conversation with a mentor in ministry has helped to put my mind at ease, so I share with you what he shared with me hoping it will keep you from long nights staring at the ceiling.

“Your going to be miserable in ministry until you get over this. Eventually, it may drive you out of ministry. You will always have naysayers, you will always be criticized by some. Here is how you need to evaluate yourself. Have you acted on principle? Have you acted in agreement with Scripture? You have worked harder for this church than any two people, and that’s all you can do. While we absolutely should consider people’s thoughts and opinions, do so understanding you will never be everything to everyone. Do your best, do what God calls you to do, and love people. When you evaluate yourself and your ministry, if you’ve done these things, then you have been successful.”

Ministry is tough, and for those of us called to either vocational or volunteer service the critics can sometimes be harsh. Regardless, I have finally been put at ease by this wisdom shared to me, and now to you. It’s the kind of thing we as pastors tell everyone else. It’s the kind of thing that when we hear someone share it with others we think to ourselves, “Yep. I would tell them the same thing.” But having it said to me instead of coming from me has been powerful. Maybe it can help you too.

Stephen Trainer is a husband, father, school teacher, youth pastor, dog owner and technology geek. What else could you want? Find out more at his blog: www.delightedtoshare.com