listening | More Than Dodgeball

Josh GriffinMore Posts Connecting with Students

AC had a solid blog post a couple days ago about connecting with students. He is a master relational youth worker in our ministry – definitely some good stuff we all can learn from him. Here’s a clip of the who article, head there for the rest:

Lead by example and with words. – Preach and promote from first hand experience. Would you buy a Ford from a salesman who drove a Chevy?
Never miss an opportunity to point the student to Christ. – We believe Christ is the answer, the cure, the end all be all. In my experience a lot of the students problems are centered around where Christ is in their life. You still have to be mindful of your approach but all roads should lead back to Christ.
Never miss an opportunity to listen. – I cannot stress enough how important it is you become a listener. I know some people are good at it naturally and some of us have to work at it. It is truly a quiet mega strength that connects you with any student.

JG

1 View Comments October 23, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: What To Do With A Teen Who Has Attitude

Took a group of middle school students to Hershey Park. During the day the students were free to roam the facility; however, had mandatory check-in times. When one girl arrived late I asked her for a reason and all I got in return was attitude. It was a little unexpected and at first I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to call her parents and send her home, but then I learned that there was more to the story. In the end she apologized and the rest of the day was fine.

Has a teenager ever copped an attitude with you before? It’s alarming and sometimes unexpected. When caught off guard it’s easy to want to shoot back and go even lower. Or, maybe you just don’t know how to overcome the disappointment and let it slide. No matter what you feel, when a teenager shows you a little attitude you need to respond. But, how do you respond without hurting, rejecting or blowing off the situation? First, you:

Listen – No matter what they say let it sit out there. Sometimes the teenager just needs a little bit of time to think about what they said. If their response was in a moment of passion you are giving them an opportunity to hear their mistake. You respond immediately and you might escalate the situation down the wrong path.

Respond With “I” Statements – When someone offends us the tendency is to immediately shoot blame. Instead make your first response a description of how you are feeling like, “I’m a little hurt.” Or “I’m surprised by that.” Not only are you being authentic, but also you are allowing the offender to know the immediate consequences of their actions.

Offer To Go Deeper – This doesn’t mean to pry and fix what’s going on in their life; however, an off colored comment can sometimes be a shout out for help. All you need to do is simply ask them, “Is there something we need to talk about?” If they trust you they’ll let you know the truth. If they do want to talk about it, just listen and if they don’t assure them that you are available.

Follow Up With Discipline – If a student makes a rude comment towards you, another adult or their parent, be sure to address their action. Dishonoring parents and being rude to your elders isn’t right. What is that disciplinary action? Well that depends on your situation. It can be as simple as asking them to apologize to who they’ve offended, to removing a certain privilege or responsibility. No matter what the disciplinary action is, deliver it in love.

When a teen cops an attitude it can be anything from a cry for help to unresolved conflict. Don’t brush it off, overlook it or over react, if anything slow down the pace, listen and show them God’s love

How do you deal with a teenager’s attitude?

Chris Wesley is the Director of Student Ministry at Church of the Nativity in Timonium, MD. You can read great articles and thoughts about youth ministry on his blog Marathon Youth Ministry.

3 View Comments August 25, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: Know Your Audience To Grow Your Audience

The other week I lead a workshop on technology for a group of Sunday School teachers. I was given plenty of notice to prepare, I did plenty of research on new technologies and made sure I talked about transferable principles. All was good until I walked into the room, and realized that I had overlooked one important detail. MY AUDIENCE. Instead of preparing a workshop for them, what I had done was built one for me.

As a youth minister you know your primary audiences are teenagers, parents and your ministry team. If you’ve been in ministry long enough you feel pretty comfortable with your audiences; however, it’s still easy to lose site and touch. If you don’t know whom you are speaking to you’ll find yourself speaking to nobody. If you want to grow your audience you need to know them and that’s done by.

Spending Informal Time With Them – When it comes to teens it means connecting with them online, going to their games or grabbing a bite to eat. With parents it might mean picking up the phone and when it comes to your team do something they like together. It might seem like I’m asking you to do more; however, it’s all about adjusting your schedule and making this a priority. The better you get to know someone the easier it is to serve them.

Knowing Your Content – If you are unsure of your audience before you speak make sure you are confident in your content. When you have passion and confidence you people are receptive. Even if they don’t understand what you are talking about, they’ll be drawn to your passion. That’s why so many of us want to pick up curling after watching them in the Winter Olympics.

Asking Questions And Listening – If you are speaking to teens gather a group of them together beforehand and ask them questions about the subject. Don’t draw any conclusions, let them speak and listen. Your goal is to be like a fly on the wall.

Asking The Experts – Chances are you aren’t the only one speaking to this demographic. Get to know your audiences by acquiring wisdom from those who study, follow and market to them. They’ll be able to give you new perspectives that will help craft and fine tune how you approach your audience.

When you get to know your audience you show them that you care what they are going through and what they need to know. When your audience sees that you care, they’ll want to share that with their friends. People are looking to feel connected, do that by speaking to their lives.

How do you get to know your audience?

Chris Wesley is the Director of Student Ministry at Church of the Nativity in Timonium, MD. You can read more great youth ministry articles and thoughts on his exceptional blog Marathon Youth Ministry.

Add Comment August 19, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: 10 Ways to Keep Leaders Long Term

Youth leaders are vital to the success of your ministry. We all would admit that we cannot build a healthy student ministry without leaders! We all need leaders and volunteers no matter what size student ministry you may have. Here are my thoughts on ways to keep your youth workers on board with your vision and your ministry:

Build a healthy relationship with them- When you recruit youth workers, choose people who you can have a relationship with. One of the coolest things about our youth leaders is that most of my wife and I’s closest friends serve in our student ministry. So, we have some strong relationships with the ones who are in there! If you want to keep youth leaders long-term, you need to have a relationship with them.
Listen to their feedback- I came from a small church where we had 30 students and a few youth leaders that I personally recruited. I basically started the youth group from scratch and the Lord blessed. Then, He moved me to a different church with about 75 students and about 25 youth leaders. They knew the system way better than I did. One thing that I tried to do and still do is listen to their feedback and ideas. Some youth pastors have a way of doing things, and they are not open to ideas from their youth leaders. This is something that turns people away from serving in your ministry so listen to their feedback, and do not be afraid to use their idea and give them the credit!
Show them that they are appreciated. I am reading a book right now called, “life in student ministry” by Tim Schmoyer, and he constantly is hitting me hard about praising your youth leaders! This is a great way to keep youth leaders with you. They must feel like their ministry is important to you. They must know that you appreciate them. Try your best to pay for their ministry stuff. Our budget cannot handle paying for every youth leader for every event, but we try to cut cost for leaders and be a blessing to them. If we had the budget to pay for every leader, I for sure would take that and apply it! Shower your leaders with gifts and blessings. We just had our Christmas party, and we got each leader a Christmas photo of their entire small group. It was not too expensive, and it means a lot to our leaders. They must know that they are appreciated if they are going to serve with you long-term.
Your heart must be fleshed out- Volunteer youth leaders do not want to serve in your ministry if they cannot see that you genuinely have a heart for your students! They must see your heart, passion, and enthusiasm for this ministry lived out!
Cast vision regularly- Vision is not something that you cast once a year! This is something that the leaders need to be reminded about over and over again! They must hear where you feel God wants to take the youth group. You must cast is regularly, and you must live out the goals and vision that you are casting!
Train them- Leader training is so important. This is something that we are working on, but we are going to try to improve even more on. Your leaders need training. We always have areas that need improvement, and you need to provide this for your leaders. They also need to be humble enough to be willing to go through some training.
Pray with them- There is nothing better than having a relationship with your youth leaders where you can drop down and pray with them. You both need this relationship! Ask them how you can pray for them and their families! They need to be assured that you are praying for them outside of youth group.
Model their job description- Many times we have a job description for youth leaders that we as the youth pastor hardly hold! The youth leaders need to see you living out the Christian life as well as the job description and standard that you hold them too.
Let them lead- Many times youth pastors want to do things themselves. We are human, and we struggle with being on an inward power trip thinking that we can do things better than the youth leaders. If you give them a responsibility, allow them the authority to carry it out.
Support them- You must support them from the pulpit of your church as well as from the pulpit of your student ministry. They must know that they are supported by their student pastor. Support them in front of the students and take their side on issues unless it is a moral problem on their part. They must feel supported.

Josh Evans is the student pastor at Union Grove Baptist Church in the Winston Salem, NC area. He has been a mentor and pastor to students for 4 years. You can connect further with Josh on his blog or send him a direct email at joshhevans@gmail.com.

Add Comment January 22, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts How to Respond to an Angry Parent

You just got the call.

A parent is on their way down to the church office, asking for some time with you immediately. They aren’t happy. They aren’t bringing you gift cards to the Apple Store “just to say thanks”. Your mind races with what ifs and you twitch nervously thinking about the ramifications the pending conversation will have on your job status. You quickly make sure your resume is up to date and before you realize it there’s a knock on the door. It happens, parents get angry. Sometimes it’s warranted, and sometimes it’s not. Either way…there’s the knock on the door. Here are a few thoughts to help navigate even the toughest parental conversations:

Set the tone with prayer
You don’t need small talk — you need God’s Spirit to fill the room. A quick moment of prayer centers everyone and reminds all that we’re playing for the same team. It also typically diffuses the rehearsed opening line that might be a blasting salvo headed your way.

Make sure they are heard
This is not the time to talk. Let them share their pains, frustration or outright anger. Fight your natural defense mechanisms and let them vent. Maybe make a quick jot here or there so you can remind yourself of some important talking points or clarifications when it is your turn.

Own whatever piece of the problem was your responsibility
Usually another perspective sheds a ton of light on a situation, but too often a fired-up parent isn’t willing or ready to hear another side of the story. A good idea might be to simply own your piece of the problem and directly apologize. Once the conversation is starting to show signs of completion make sure you help it end well. If it is heading into the perpetual repeat mode, you might have to jump in and cut it off altogether.

Consider the “feel, felt, found” response:
If appropriate, the “feel, felt, found” response is often a great way to respond without letting your emotions get the best of you. It goes like this: “Mrs. Hothead, I totally understand why you would feel the way you do concerning the increased cost of camp. In fact, other parents have felt the same way. I have found that even though camp is expensive, it is one of the best investments you will ever make. And because I am convinced of that, I want to help make it affordable by allowing a payment plan.”

Plan so it doesn’t happen again
Reassure the parent that you will do your best to prevent whatever situation ignited their anger from happening again (obviously, this reassurance varies from scenario to scenario). Make sure you share the conversation and the plan of action from here on out with your supervisor, too. Good communication from you always beats them hearing it from someone else…supervisors don’t like surprises. Unless it’s that time Josh surprised Kurt by paying for lunch (okay, that has never happened, but it sure would be a nice surprise).

Dealing with angry or disappointed parents is part of the youth ministry gig — in some ways it is a good thing: at least they cared enough about their students, faith and church and respected you enough to come talk to you directly. You would have to be a little bit sick in the head to actually look forward to such conversations, but such conversations don’t always have to make you sick in the stomach!
This post was written by Josh Griffin and Kurt Johnston and originally appeared as part of Simply Youth Ministry Today free newsletter. Subscribe to SYM Today right here.

Add Comment October 6, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts A Safe Person Outside of Your Youth Ministry

Last night I spent some significant time with a great friend well outside of the day-to-day operations of our church.

He’s one of the few people that understands and gets me and what I do more than anyone else. He was a youth pastor in the past and his insight, wisdom and listening ear alone made me walk away refreshed and ready to take on the challenges of another season of youth ministry.

Reflecting on it this morning made me so thankful to have him in my life, and brought back memories of that dark period early in my career when I did youth ministry alone. I didn’t know better. I was a lone ranger. I was living dangerously. And today I just wanted to encourage you to find someone like this in your life – they’ll be more valuable to you then you will ever know:

You need a safe person to vent to when things get tough
You need someone with an outside perspective to shine some light on things
You need someone who will set you straight when you’re wrong
Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your thoughts
We all want someone to cheer us on

You can get some of these things from a youth worker network, from podcasts and even blogs to a degree. But there’s nothing better than a late night hang at Denny’s with a real friend with no agenda.

Don’t stop searching until you find one.

JG

4 View Comments July 27, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts How to Be Intentional as a Summer Camp Leader

Was talking with AC from our team about summer camp training the week after next, and he showed me some cool stuff he’s been working on to give our cabin counselors and volunteers. Here’s some of what we’ll be training our volunteers on soon, maybe it will be useful to your leaders, too! Most of it is original stuff, except for the crisis part at the end which he adapted from something online.

Cabin Time — Be Intentional
We want the students to feel a sense of community within this group. Going to a camp with so many students can feel super intimidating. So making your group a camp within summer camp creates a great feeling of community and togetherness amongst the students in your group. The more time your group can send time doing things together the better.

Here are some ways to create community within your small group:

Eating meals together

Doing a few, fun free time activities as a group

Doing one or two breakout sessions together, and debriefing at lunch or dinner about it.

Debrief –Be Intentional
Debriefs are a must. Each night your group will be asked to go and talk about the message after each general session. You will also be given a handout that will help you guide debrief. To enrich debrief even more take notes so you can really dig into what the message was about and how they can apply it to their lives.

Your group will be made up of different students at different stages in their faith and some with no faith. The message needs to be unpacked and discussed. This is a time where the message can get super practical and unpacked for each student. This is a time where they will share their thoughts about the message and how they feel it actually applies to them. So this time is very important time for your students in the overall camp experience.

Feel free to create rules for your cabin time. Especially rules during discussion time. Making sure your students are being respectful to one another is huge in creating a safe environment. Students need to be able to share what’s on their hearts without fear of judgment.

Student in Crisis – Be Intentional
There is a chance out of all the students that are going to camp that there will be some students going through a crisis. So here is some info for you in the event you are approached from a student in crisis. A crisis for them could be anything from a bad break up to thoughts of suicide.

You may be the first or last person to whom the student will tell their problems too. Accept the opportunity to be there for that student as a privilege and honor. Give your full attention to the conversation, say a quick prayer for guidance, and refer when necessary to Phil. Accept the opportunity to be there for that student as a privilege and honor. Ministering to that student during a time of crisis will make a life changing difference.

Listen- Listen to students’ pain, hurt, confusion, words, and non-verbal expressions of loss or agony. When we listen, we are more able to learn about what is really going on.

Talk-When a student shares a problem with you or sits (or stands) in front of you, they are probably waiting for a response. Avoid clich

1 View Comments June 24, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: I Don’t Know

I once lead an evening service at my home church and plainly said “I don’t know”. I had just taken over from my long-term youth minister and was out of my depth. I was in my first ministry position and felt I had no clear vision or direction for the juggernaut that was placed in my lap.

We’ve all been there. Probably more than once.

When attendance at youth group seemingly drops for no reason…
Or the reason teens seem to be dropping out seemed unavoidable…
When your small group is on the brink of you and two others… again…
When a parent asks you “Why doesn’t my kid believe in Jesus yet?”…
When a kind congregant ponders “Where are all the young people you’re meant to be working with?”…
When your fears of TOO MANY kids attending are realised (a great problem!)…
When you feel like you’re barely holding it together…
When your well laid plans for the week/quarter/year are tossed into chaos…
When you look out at a church service and sense nothing but empty chairs…
When great people move on and don’t seem to be replaced…
When you’re patiently waiting on God to reveal the next step…

At these times, and a thousand others in ministry, you look skyward and whisper “I don’t know…”
At these times you want to shout at the heavens “God! What are you doing?”
When you gaze into your answer depository and find it’s as empty as Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.

Keep trusting God.
Know that He is still faithful.
Hold firm that He is still good.
Draw near to God.
Keep expectantly waiting.

I don’t write this because I’ve got it figured out. I don’t. In fact, I seem to be quite a distance from possessing many of the answers that will allow me a better nights sleep, but stay true the calling God has placed you your life.

It’s worth pressing on, through these “I don’t know times” times, to see what God has in store. Quite often, the answer God has isn’t the one you’d meticulously crafted anyway…

Graham Baldock is a Youth Pastor from Sydney, Australia and has a youth ministry blog work checking out at grahambaldock.blogspot.com.