marriage | More Than Dodgeball

Geoff StewartMore Posts Caught Not Taught: 6 Lessons Students Must Learn From Our Life Part 3: Relationships

After a week of being laid up with the flu, we are continuing the series we started not long ago about 6 things that students need to see modelled in our lives as their leaders. You can check out the other two here and here.

As leaders there are lots of things we can preach that will get students excited, and few things bring the irregular attenders out like a series on dating a relationships save for a series on sex of course. The fact that so many students have a desire to know what the Bible says about dating and relationships means that we need to make sure that when we preach it, that our students have already seen it modelled in our lives first as married people and dating couples.

Dating: When it comes to dating I am all for members of your youth staff team dating. They are young, share similar passions, love Jesus so why not? My motivations are of course to see them find a potential mate but also that I truly believe that a student can learn so much about honour, respect and other parts of a healthy dating relationship by watching someone they respect. If those leaders maintain healthy physical boundaries with their BF/GF and keep their relationship with Christ the most important, it is an absolutely beautiful thing. The flip-side of that is that if by chance they happen to break up, the fact that they are both committed to the ministry and a small group forces their hand to pursue a healthy and honourable breakup as well. From a teachable life lesson stand-point, its a win-win for our students.

Marriage: Sadly, your students have pretty low expectations on the success and longevity of marriages, even yours. They are inundated with messages about soaring divorce rates, growing numbers of people not getting married at all and many having a lived reality of growing up in a broken home. Our job as married Pastors and youth workers to show them that a healthy God honouring marriage is possible. I follow a lot of people on Twitter and one that reminds me about this value is Carl Lentz. He is the Lead Pastor of Hillsong Church in NYC (Twitter) and he regularly tweets things to the effect of “the most important thing I can do for my kids is love their mom.” He tweets regularly about his affection and appreciation for his wife, her talent, beauty etc and I think there is something very wise about that. Celebrating marriage, monogamy and a heart to stay married is important to give young people a hope that their marriage does not have to end as a statistic.

Students need to see healthy relationships, they need to know that it is possible to date and stay pure, and that not every marriage ends in a divorce. We need to do our best to model this for our students so that when it comes time to preach it, the message will be one that they have seen a living illustration of already.

-Geoff @geoffcstewart

Add Comment February 11, 2013

Josh GriffinMore Posts What If Our Tweets Were Real?

I love Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. I usually find myself on each one of them at some point nearly every day. There’s something great about reading about our friend’s lives 1000′s of miles away or chucking at someone’s pithy observation about life. But what if our Tweets were real?

My senior pastor is a jerk sometimes. I want to punch him in the face
I’ve been married 10 years, and still don’t have sex figured out
I’m pretty sure my whole youth group is filled with “that one kid”
The last time I read the Bible was in late 2012
I want to quit I want to quit I want to quit
Things aren’t good deep inside me, but the outside is as shiny as ever
If I could figure out where to dispose the body, I’d take out that parent

Don’t Tweet these! We need to continue to post those stunning sunsets, epic CS Lewis quotes and pictures of our no foam latte. I would die if my real life made it was genuinely Tweeted for the world to see, or pictures of my inner world made it online. But you need to be sharing it somewhere.

You need to have someone who knows the real you, not the brand, image or “always on” youth worker. You need to be able to confess, share, process and pray through the stuff you would never Tweet.

Simple question to kick off the week: is someone reading your real Tweets?

JG

6 View Comments January 21, 2013

Josh GriffinMore Posts You Might Be a Youth Worker Husband If …

Last week’s post You Might Be a Youth Pastor’s Wife that I linked to got a good response so I was really happy when YMJen convinced her husband to write 20 ways he knows his place as a youth ministry spouse. Here’s a few, head there for the rest:

1. You’ve ever celebrated your anniversary on Taco Tuesday.

3.You go back to work from the mission trip so you can rest.

5. All your weekend plans start on Friday night and end on Saturday night.

9. You’ve been marketed as a “2 for 1″ deal.

10. You’ve introduced yourself as the youth pastor’s wife.

15.You’ve been mistaken for a hired bus driver.

17. You’ve ever sat in the the back of an annual meeting wondering if your wife was going to leave the room with a job.

18. Your first theological question about any church is their stance on women in ministry.

JG

2 View Comments January 14, 2013

Josh GriffinMore Posts POLL: How is Your Marriage Doing?

Being married in youth ministry is not an easy thing – but it has to be one of the very top priorities in your life. Would love to know how your marriage is doing here at the beginning of fall – vote now!

JG

2 View Comments August 27, 2012

Geoff StewartMore Posts Guest Post: The Power of 30

About two years ago I sat in my office with my wife, as tears welled up in my eyes,. I said the words out loud that I had only thought. It had swirled around in my head however; I never had the nerve to speak the words. Had I spoken it, these dangerous thoughts would be way too real. I said to her, if I could find another job that would provide for my family I would take it. I would leave my church and my job as a youth pastor, and never look back. I could hit the reset button and walk away from a life I had grown to hate. It is fair to say this would be filed under one of the “bad days”.

I am a husband, father, son, student, and a youth pastor. At that moment in my life, I hated most of these people, and felt as if I was failing at many of them. I had lost control of my life. As my wife listened, she reassured me that my feelings were not true, though she validated my need for change. She recognized that my life, and ultimately both of our lives were out of control. It wasn’t until I spent some time with a trusted mentor that I was able to begin seeing out of this massive hole I had dug for myself, my family, and even my ministry.

He challenged me to do one simple thing. Pay attention to my life. Track what I do for every minute of my day in thirty-minute chunks for two weeks. Write it down and evaluate it. I was either going to do it or I would be putting together a resume to find a new life. At my core, I love what I do and feel called to it, so I stayed and fought. I am glad I did. This mentor did not look at my time log. He just asked the right questions and allowed my “time budget” to reveal truth in itself. Like when you track what you eat or what you spend, this exercise revealed much. Here is an overview…

80/20 Rule ::

Similar to an actual budget of money, much of what we have in finances is already allocated to cost of living. We have that same “cost of living” in our time. I have to sleep, drive to work, help get the kids ready for their day, and work 40-60 hours a week. All of these activities take time. How efficiently I do each of these activities is a different conversation for a different day. When I step back and look, there is about 20% of my time that I have the freedom to shuffle around. Instead of being discouraged that I am unable to get away for days on end, I need to take control of that 20% of my life and intentionally use it for my benefit.

Step Back Evaluation time ::

After two weeks I noticed that I allowed my life to happen to me. Nowhere in my time did I step back and assess. I didn’t plan or think forwardly at all. This resulted in too many moments of panic, disorganization, and more chaos that I really want to handle. As a result I am now waking up 3 days a week an hour before my kids get up to just sit and ponder, think ahead, and allow the silence to prepare me for a life that is pretty chaotic. I have also injected time away as a youth pastor and husband with my staff and wife.

Lack of Spiritual Presence

I was tempted to act differently during my tracking time because I knew that it would be revealing, but I wanted to learn from my time so I didn’t fake it. If I was not inclined to spend time with God I didn’t do it. I wanted to see the “holes” at the end of this experiment and if I spent time with God just so I could mark it down on my budget it would have ruined my true intent. That being said, I need more time with God. I am at a spiritual dry season right now where I am not inclined to seek out God so it needs to be intentionally placed in my life. It is ultimately for my own benefit and His glory. In time that dryness will dissipate. For now, it is necessary.

Be intentional about “wasting my time”…make it count.

Have fun with this one because everyone needs to blow off steam. It is up to you as the person who knows you best to decide how you are going to go about doing that. My loves are many, but what refuels me is only a couple things. 1. Time with safe people (wife, dear friends). 2. I need to travel to new places (doesn’t need to be far, it is just the experience). 3. I need to be physically active (love it and hate it all at the same time). Too often I release pressure by sitting in front of the TV because it is the path of least resistance. That’s not good enough. If I want to watch TV, that is fine but pick a show and watch it. Don’t allow the TV just drain hours on end away from me and leave me empty and just as tried. TV is the fast food of the time world. It feels so good at the time, but does very little for you over the long haul.

Selfishly, I pray that this is one of those moments in my life that I look back on as a turning point. So far it has been…

Jeff Bachman has been in youth ministry for 20 years and is currently working at ROCKHARBOR Church in Costa Mesa, Ca as the High School Pastor. He is passionate about seeing students becoming followers of Christ. You can check out his own blog at www.theuntilmatters.com

-geoff

1 View Comments July 2, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts Love Your Spouse

Married? Not married? Not married, and haven’t had a date in years? Wherever you find yourself today, here are some thoughts about loving your current…or future…spouse.

Love unexpectedly.
Youth workers love surprises–but too often our spouses end up with the predictable and stable part of our lives. While there’s nothing wrong with stability, it’s also a good idea to take the same creativity that helps you think up crazy games and invent an unexpected way to love your spouse. This week, make it a goal to love your husband or wife in an unexpected, surprising way.

Love your spouse in front of your students.
There’s nothing wrong with letting your students see that you love your husband or wife. That doesn’t mean you need to incessantly refer to them as “hot” (that’s actually a pet-peeve of ours, and our wives ARE hot), or make out with them in the church van on the way to the retreat. But it’s important to remember that your students are watching your relationship; it might be the most important lesson you teach them all week.

Love your spouse in front of your kids.
Same thing goes with your own children (if you’ve got them). They need to see you in love with each other, too. That doesn’t mean that everything in the home is perfect, but through the good, bad, and the ugly you share a loving commitment to each other and to Christ.

Love your spouse when no one is watching.
A consistent loving relationship can’t only show up when people are watching. Make sure you love your spouse when you aren’t trying to be a role model to your teenager. Youth ministry takes a toll on marriages. Sadly we’ve seen it first-hand far too many times. One of the best ways to model healthy marriage within your ministry context is to do the hard work of building a healthy marriage behind the scenes.

Love wins every time!

This post was written by Josh Griffin and Kurt Johnston and originally appeared as part of Simply Youth Ministry Today free newsletter. Subscribe to SYM Today right here.

1 View Comments February 23, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts HSM Weekend in Review: Volume 157

Weekend Teaching Series: Facebook Official (week 3 of 5)
Sermon in a Sentence: 7 questions to ask about your dating relationship.
Service Length: 76 minutes

Understandable Message: This weekend I wanted to focus on a biblical perspective to dating – although dating isn’t implicitly mentioned in the Bible and is a much more modern cultural invention of ours. For sure the Bible does talk plenty in principle about WHO to date and HOW to date so that’s the perspective of the talk. I shared a bunch of personal stories from my dating life including heartbreak, and eventually how I met my wife. The talk was designed to build on Doug’s narrow vs wide way challenge from last week and included 7 questions to ask about their current/future dating relationships.

Element of Fun/Positive Environment: This is the last weekend before our Pumpkinfest event, so we spent a little chink of the program with a funny skit that included an awkward robot and our stage emcee. Really funny stuff, as always trying to make annoucements both memorable and engaging. We also played a funny video from RhettandLink about Facebook profile pictures and dating.

Music Playlist: Enchanted [Taylor Swift cover], Oh Lord, Your Love is Enough, Grace, Cannons

Favorite Moment: The conversations after the service were the best. Nothing like a series like this to get students thinking … and talking. Several students were convinced it was alright for them to date someone of a different religion – by far the most popular discussion this weekend after the talk.

Up next: Facebook Official (week 4 of 5) [Doug Fields teaching about sex]

3 View Comments October 26, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts HSM Weekend in Review: Volume 156

Weekend Teaching Series: Facebook Official (week 2 of 5)
Sermon in a Sentence: Want to have a great marriage – then start building the right foundation for it now.

Service Length: 78 minutes

Understandable Message: Doug Fields taught about the different paths students could take to end up at the same destination: marriage. He used interactive polls, great illustrations and Matthew 7 to help students that the path they are on today will help or hinder the relationship they have with their future spouse. Really challenging, forward-thinking stuff.

Element of Fun/Positive Environment: We played a hilarious new game called Facebook Hack. It was INCREDIBLE! We don’t do a ton of full-on games, so when they work this well, it is a big deal. So fun. It was homecoming week for our biggest high school we pull from, so attendance was a bit low but the energy was great. Lots of student greeters, student band, students running cameras, control room and sound.

Music Playlist: Lucky, Yours Forever, God Above All, None But Jesus, Forever Reign

Favorite Moment: Having my good friend Doug Fields speaking in HSM is always a highlight. Talking to a student after the service who trusted in Christ after the message was awesome, too. Good, good stuff.

Up next: Facebook Official (week 3 of 5)