tough conversations | More Than Dodgeball

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: Does Your Small Group Have THE TALKER?

The beauty of leading a small group is getting to see it grow throughout the years. But, getting started can be rough especially if you have that one kid who talks and talks and talks. At first you like him or her because they take care of the awkward silence. You think, “Awesome, I have someone participating and I don’t have to do all the talking.”

Then, you begin to notice that they are the ONLY student talking, which prevents the other ones from chiming in. You also begin to notice your patience wear thin because not only do they answer every question but they begin to talk for what seems like hours. You are tempted to yell, “SHUT UP!” but common sense tells you that wouldn’t go over well. You don’t want to lose the group; yet, avoid embarrassing the teen. What do you do?

Meet Beforehand – Grab them before small group and be honest with them. Let them know you appreciate their sharing; however, you want to make sure that everyone has a chance to speak. Be prepared because they might feel a little insulted by your confrontation. Telling them to listen more and speak less might sound like they don’t have anything wise to contribute; therefore, make a plan to follow up after group.

Sit Next To Them – By sitting next to the talkers you are able to give them physical cues if they are talking too much. Placing a hand on their shoulder is a subtle way of interrupting them. You can also whisper to them encouragement if they are getting anxious by letting others speak.

Assign Questions – Talkers talk because they either feel like they always have something to contribute or they are afraid of silence. To give them an out to their urges and fears assign questions to the rest of the group. Instead of having anyone chime in, give the first response to someone specific.

Follow Up – Either right after the group or the next day meet up with the talker to reflect on their behavior. Affirm them with what they did well; ask them their opinion and then address where improvement is necessary. Because the group is fresh on everyone’s mind, you can point to specific examples of when they listened and when they dominated the conversation.

Some people will be talkers for life; however, the more the group gets to know them the pressure won’t fall on you to give others a chance to speak. The more you check-in and communicate with the talker the less you’ll have to take the steps mentioned above. Just be persistent with reaching out and leading the group. Again, small group dynamics is a growing process.

How do you deal with talkers?

Chris Wesley is the Director of Student Ministry at Church of the Nativity in Timonium, MD. You can read more great youth ministry articles and thoughts on his exceptional blog Marathon Youth Ministry.

Add Comment July 22, 2012

Josh GriffinMore Posts 3 Times I Want to Quit Youth Ministry

There are some tough times in youth ministry. If you haven’t experienced them yet, wait until about year four or so, where by then it will for sure meet you at the door. If you are doing effective, in the trenches ministry – there is going to come a time when you’ll feel like quitting. Honestly? I think no matter what kind of ministry you are doing you’ll eventually feel this way. No one is invincible from the urge to walk away. Here are the 3 times when I feel it the worst:

After the best event of your youth ministry career
When you are disconnected from the church, you are in danger. Have you ever come back from a mission trip on a high that no one else was on? Have you ever walked inside the church riding a high after the biggest overnighter in the history of your church only to be greeted be an angry parent or vindictive trustee? Maybe you’ve just given a project your all, and you saw God do something amazing, and you’re immediately called to lead something else and you were just hoping for a break. A key moment of vulnerability is when you are on top of the world.

After a key relational breakdown
There’s nothing worse than an intense conflict with your supervisor, senior pastor or key volunteer. When relationships go bad it becomes difficult to turn it off – instead just the opposite happens and it consumes us. Nothing hurts like when your friends leave you, when someone stabs you in the back, or when someone walks away from the church/God and blames it on you. The pain just doesn’t go away over night – often times it takes time or even a miracle to restore a relationship.

After a tough year
Sometimes it isn’t a key person, event or incident that triggers the feelings toward leaving – often times it is just the pile on effect of a tough season. A series of challenging moments, not enough to topple your strength by themselves, join forces together and can push me over the edge.

How do I fight back? Another blog post for another time. All I will say for now is that while youth ministry has its challenging moments, it is worth it. You are making a difference. And on the other side of pain and the feelings to quit is a strength you may have never even known you had inside you. Fight the good fight, friends. How about you? Share your moment of weakness in the comments.

JG

6 View Comments April 27, 2011

Josh GriffinMore Posts GUEST POST: 5 Things to do When Students Complain

It doesn’t happen all the time, but every once in a while you will get one or a few students that have a concern about some element of your youth ministry and want to talk about. These are not conversations I look forward to, but I have had enough of them that I can share the steps I use to get through it and keep the leader-student relationship intact.

Listen: The student who is coming to see you has likely thought long and hard about this conversation, so when you meet let them speak. Makes notes if you have to, the more information you get, the more you have to work with as your respond. The student might be expecting you to just dismiss them so hearing them out will be very disarming and allow a great conversation to follow.

Is it Biblical?: Now that you have heard the student’s concern about the program, are they highlighting something we are doing that is contrary to scripture? This is a great question to ask the student and chew on with them. It might put them on the spot, but it drives home the point that our goal should be to have a Youth Ministry that functions in accordance to Biblical principals. The majority of the time, student complaints are a reflection of taste and personal preference and that you are not running the youth group to their desire and if this is the case, remain calm and proceed to step 3.

Articulate the vision: Perhaps they don’t know why you don’t have the latest Skillet album playing every week when students are arriving, or that having acoustic worship as opposed to a full band means that the Worship team has less opportunities to serve. If you ask me to explain the intentional elements and reasoning behind our youth services, you better be sitting down because I could take an hour. The students don’t know all of that, and when you share why you do one thing and not another they appreciate the insider look at why things are done a certain way. While you are at it, share with that students where God is moving in the area they are concerned about, they might be surprised to hear it.

Recap and clarify: They have come to you with something they think might be wrong; make sure that you have not confused that student with Christianese Pastor Talk. This is the time to prove that you listened but reiterating their concerns and summarizing your response to it. This is really meant to make sure that they don’t leave frustrated for feeling unheard because you may not agree with them, but you cared enough to hear them out and explain why things are not changing.

Thank them: Sticking your neck out does not come easy to everyone and for a student to make time to come see you and share something they are passionate about is a big deal. Make sure you thank them, not only for their time, but for their passion for the youth ministry and willingness to talk to you and not to talk to all of their friends instead (they probably did talk to their friends about it, but verbally giving them the benefit of the doubt will go a long way). You don’t have to agree with them to appreciate the feedback/criticism, take it and be thankful.

These sort of conversations are not my favorite, but are a necessary part of being a Youth Pastor and if done well, are amazing growth opportunities for students and ourselves.

Geoff Stewart is the Pastor of Jr & Sr High School for Journey Student Ministries at Peace Portal Alliance Church and regularly contributes GUEST POSTS to MTDB. Want to get in on the fun? See how right here.